On a sunny day
Mood:  bright
Topic: Hangin'

Finally a bit of sunshine.  Not hot hot but okay.  Amazing what happens when the sun comes out, people start walking around half naked with arses and tits hanging out and that's just the blokes!

 Went to Devon last weekend and went to an antiques fair where I bought a 19th century middle eastern dagger.  I have scrubbed and polished the puppy and now it looks even madder than it did when i bought it.  I do wonder if it really is 19th century and if yes, does it have a dark history....

My baby has changed her car. She bought a merc which is especially cool as it is black.  We hired a carpet cleaner today and have cleaned the carpets.  Man, the water from the cleaner was filthy!  Might have to hire the cleaner on a six monthly basis.

Going to a pub tonight to ang out with Tamsin and Marick.  Not sure if I will drink..hmmm

Time to roll.

Peace

Wow
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: Loungin

Wow, sure has been a long time since I updated this puppy...

 I am married to my baby and we have moved to a cottage in a village in Bucks, which is totally peaceful and green.  Hard to believe but I actually like sitting down outside and gazing at the cows and horses in the fields!

 We also have two beasts-Inca and Tali, who are miniture labradors.  Inca has serious issues and is always nervous and hates travelling in cars and Tali is just dumb and gets hurt on a regular basis!

Had a mad honeymoon in South Africa.  Stayed in this safari camp and went up in a microlight.  Also went to Kruger national park and saw four of the 'big five'.  Not sure why the name of that park has'nt been changed especially seeing as he was an intense racist or why more black people aren't in more positions of responsibility 18yrs after independence but hey, I guess someone in South Africa has a plan...

 Also stopped drinking spirits some time ago and have recently stopped drinking during the week.  Think that I am finally growing up.

Had sad times too as my babys father passed away.  Lots of sadness which will more than likely be around for a long time to come.  He was a cracking bloke who taught me a lot of handy things -building fires, trimming hedges, chopping wood, etc- essential skills when living in a cottage in the country!

Heard a bit from my daughters but am yet to see or speak to them despite asking their mum.  Been trying to see my boy too but his mum is being herself.

Work is going on...  I am now heading up the IT section at work.  Challenging is an understatement seeing as most of the team are lacking the mindset required to work in IT, supporting applications and delivering services.

Woke up one night coughing, so I jumped out of bed and dashed into the bathroom, half asleep, tripped, banged my mouth on the toilet bowl, crashed onto the floor and woke up when my baby came dashing into the bathroom, switched the light on and shouted "baby!"

I had this huge flap of skin which was detached from the inside of my mouth.  Turns out that when I hit the toilet seat, my chin hit the bowl which the almost took one of my teeth through my lower lip.  All sorted now though.

Gotta go as I am starved and need to eat something now...

 Peace

Mood:  chillin'

Been a while since I last updated this piece. 

Living in Rickmansworth has turned out to be very cool.  It quite, peaceful and I can fuckin think!  Lots of swans and ducks around, pretty different.

We bought a house in a village which we are moving into in November after we have done a bit of work on it.  Also been going down to the gym a lot and have been pushing heavier and heavier weights so am rather meaty right now!

Went to the carnival with my baby, Larry and Hannah.  We did the normal thing and hung out around Norman Jay's bus listening to tunes and downing rum.  Afterwards we went to a pub were we ran into Jonny J, his new female and Adam. 

I got engaged and bought a Jeep that I fucking love.

 

So much has happened but so far so good...... 

Just got back from the gym and am feeling worked out.  Think that its time to put some fuel into my system so might have a few eggs and a massive bowl of porridge, as I can't seem to resist the stuff these days! 

Things between my baby and I are really cool, hope it lasts forever and that we don't return to a phase of constant rows.

Definately got to eat something so peace. 

Packing
Mood:  on fire

We picked up the keys to the new flat today.  Feels weird moving out of London, even though its not really moving out of 'London' in a sense.

The whole day has been rather hectic.  Going to pick up the keys and  then the packing.  Fucking hate packing but guess that when your moving , the fucking task has to be done.

Gameplan is to take off early tomorrow as the new bed is turning up between 0830 and 1030 ( don't you just love the delivery windows) and the moving men are turning up at 0930, so I will need to be dropped off between 0730 and 0800 so that i can get to grips with the assembling of the bed, when it turns up, whilst my baby heads back to the flat to supervise the movers.  Not looking forward to it as I suspect that I might be quite fucked tomorrow morning as we about to hit the pub! 

Don't know if I have told you about my homes Jonnie.  He is an artist who makes some mad sculptures. Lives in East London, in a flat that he is gradually fucking up as its also his studio.  Still it all good, as he is producing some mad pieces.  

Jonnie don't work but depends on the system, ho have recently reduced his handout. 

My homes is skint.  He was paid £2k for a commission a couple of weeks ago but seems to have spent most of the funds.  This means that he is now struggling to get his rent together.  Not sure why he did not think ahead but I guess, once you paid a bit after a long, extended period of being broke, you get the urge to spend.  He wanted a loan from me but I can't help as my bills this month are fucking high as we not only moving and paying off holiday but buying mad sofa and bed.

I do wonder what living outside London will be like.  Will I get to grips with it? 

Its all good...
Mood:  chillin'

Tomorrow will be my last day in London! 

We moving out as we want to be a bit more in the country away from the 24hr thump of London.  Not saying that where we currently live thumps all day but life has to be better if you live where you can see trees and have green all around you than just seeing concrete, tar and continuously stressed out humans, who always need to get something or to somewhere yesterday?

Plus there is shit like fresher air and all that.  Hassle is that I have found that fresher air tends to make me eat more.   We decided to rent for a maximum of 6 months whilst we look around and ensure that we can live there (country living, I am keen but keen don't mean that I can hack it as I always been in big fuck off cities) and at the same time, look around for a house to buy, providing the place works.

 My baby had another scare so had to go back and see the docs who had her back in the theater for a similar op.  Things seem to have gone well, which is so very cool.   Just before the op, she burnt her leg which was a bit of a drama.  Must say that she was very brave about it, especially seeing how much she loves her long, smooth, attractive, sensual legs..... I digress!

Been to a few interview recently but still haven't been hooked up. Its all good, just need to crack on with it, especially seeing as my current job if beginning to totally fuck me off.

Am getting on with it, learning different shit about myself everyday. 

 

Mmmm
Mood:  special
Topic: Feeling Deep

Been time since my last update and stuff has been going on......

Went to Devon for Xmas and it was cool.  Sent my babies presents.  Was a big screw up with the delivery of my son's pressie and still dont know if my daughters got theirs as since sending their pressies, things have died in the contact zone.  Have written to both them and their mum but zilch.

Had a shit January finding out that my baby had to have an op, then having lots of rows, some pretty fucked up.  Almost bought a flat and then we had a strange row, which ended up with me getting out of a taxi and fucking off, my baby not coming home  but going to her brothers and a totally fucked up period, and I mean fucked up.

Was a very painful time, one of those times when you experience a feeling like your whole world is crumbling and your heart is bleeding but its okay as I learned a lot about shit and my understanding is still going on.

 

 

Man, what a day!!!
Mood:  on fire

I heard from my daughters today!  Can't say how deep this is or how much it means to me as it would be hard for anyone who is not me to understand. Saying that, I have to say that I am on cloud 9!

 I have missed them so much, so fucking much, it has been slowly eroding at my soul, screwing up my mind.

Five years later, and finally.....

I know that my baby is thrilled for me but I also think that she is not exactly sure what this means to 'us'.  It means that I can be more of me without the stress, that I can now move on with my life with her as she is my today, tomorrow and my future.

Wrote to my girls today.  Hope that they write back.  I need this contact with them as they are part of me and I love them beyond belief.

Next step is to sort out my son.............. 

Another late entry.........
Mood:  amorous

Hell yeah, I am still around.  Know it might be hard to believe, but I am!

 I really should update this piece more often.  So much shit has been going down that needs to be recorded.

Okay, so where we at?

Been to Devon and had a great time.  Saw them herding in these small Dartmoor ponies.  Man, there were 100s of the small fuckers!  They are real cute and one day, I hope that I can own some.  My current understanding is that the fuckers are sold for £2 to glue making and dog food factories!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Been to lots of Elova gigs and these days they are pumping!  Chris is dropping bass tastefully these days, Duncan is thumping the box and Tanya is dazzling the masses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been camping, and man, that was a trip! We bought a two person tent and went to this festival in Frickley.  Took a bit of time to pitch the fucker but once it was up, it was a thing of beauty!  Then it started pissing down, and I mean pissing down.  We got really merry, listened to music in various tents and then crawled into the tent and crashed to the sound of rain drops slamming down.

Johnny and his new bird, Lair, were there.  They crashed in his car as the tent that Duncan had given him was a very sorry affair.

What else has been happening?   Oh yeah, there was this very cute puppy which this dude bought for his mother. As it was her birthday in a few days time, the puppy, who was so fucking cute and all black, stayed with Chris and Ollie. Puppy came over for a barbie and pissed all over a rug.

Well, dudes mother didn't like puppy, so poor sod was sent back and that  was the end of puppy.

Is Chris's birthday today so have to stop writing as its  meat time!  He  bought this obscene slab of flesh. some of which is destined to reside in my tummy!

 

 

 

 

 

Peace 

 

 

Today
Mood:  blue

I hurt deep within the core of me.

My heart feels like it is about to explode within me.  What am I to think, what am I to do? I will never win here, be heard or ever be right.  Irrespective of the scenario, I will always be wrong and blamed.

Today, my perception of things has changed.  Today, I watched as I was portrayed as a monster.  Why?  That is something thatI struggle to understand.  Is the need to be a victim so strong that it does not matter who gets hurt or the damage it does to this our relationship?

The longer term damage is sacrificed for a few hours of support.  

Today, I am hurt deep inside of me, deep in the core of me.  My mnd spins and my heart bleeds.

Friday
Mood:  chillin'
It's Friday and so much has happened since I last updated this piece.

I am moving into a flat with my baby on Saturday the 4th of February (barring references coming back from the bank and being totally fucked up).

Not exactly sure how I feel about this shit as I am rather nervous. Would like this to work as I do like my baby and do believe that we can make this shit work.